It Starts...

I have been putting off writing this, but it has to start somewhere...

I am not very good at writing, yet I need somewhere to record all these feelings I am having and emotions I am going through.

All my life I have had problems with my weight, for a great period of time growing up I was underweight, which looking at me now is hard to imagine.

I have the usual sad sack story and to keep it short...I ran away from home at a young age and gave everything away, fell in love with an older man, had my heart broken, was abused and didn't leave, wasn't allowed to leave, got pregnant and lost my baby when he attacked me one last time, Suffered depression and tried to kill myself with codeine, have a love hate relationship with my gambling addicted mother, who continually tells me to be thin and has admitted in the past that she purposely made me thin as a child...I have a estranged evil father who I have met a handful of times and now have nothing to do with because I told him what I really though of him. (He was never there and was abusive to my mother and nearly killed her more than once), had crap relationships, been to a lot of family funerals, mended my broken heart with drugs and alcohol and all before I was twenty.


So by the end of all that I was about a size sixteen, and didn't have a lot of confidence, mainly because my mother continually told me I was too fat to do things.

Once I got myself back on track, I met my now husband who is totally different from any previous people I have dated and is totally supportive of anything I do or want to do, which is great except he makes me a little too comfortable with myself and I have I continue to gain weight and go up in size every year.

I used to emotional eat, and while I do that’s from time to time I think I mostly just do it out of habit, I also sometimes have very chronic insomnia which doesn't help with regular eating.

I spent so much of my life dancing, ballroom, jazz, tap, etc and I stopped doing it because my mother made me thing I was too big to do it, and at the time is wasn't. This stopped me from being active and while I know I can't blame others for my overeating, I know this didn't help.

Anyway my point is I'm overweight, morbidly obese in fact and things need to change I need my life back.

I have tried so many diets, programs, gyms and tablets, but nothing really works. I don't even eat a lot of junk; it’s just the amount I eat when I eat.

So on the 20th of March 2012, I am changing that, and I am undergoing weight loss surgery and having a gastric sleeve.

This is not a spare of the moment thing, I have been thinking about it and researching it for a long time and have come to the conclusion that, yes there is a risk of surgery, however the positives out way the negatives, statistics are on my side and id rather die trying to fix my problem then sit around and let my weight kill me slowly.

I am currently 128.8kg and 5'3 and have a BMI of 50 and I hope that one day I can be healthy and be 65kg.